i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
