when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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