He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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