he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
