things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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