Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
