Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
