can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
