then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
