dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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