guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
