You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
