oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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