Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
