Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize