I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Randomize
