i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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