Your dad touched me again.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
