I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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