I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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