wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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