When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
