i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
