and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
