dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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