Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Too much gin, very little bucket
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
