genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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