There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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