Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
