The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
