I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
