worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
