I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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