roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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