you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
