Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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