I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
