She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
