Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
