Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
