Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I think I sprained my soul last night
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
