Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
