So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
