new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
