sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
