its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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