Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
