Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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