when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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