WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
