I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
