It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
