I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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