I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
