not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
