I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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